Big Daddy RFK Jr Has done it again!

Oh I bet you know where this is going!

We at Shallot Science apologize for the delay in our latest articles but we have been spending the past month eating copious amounts of ice cream, listening to Celine Dion and bawling our eyes out over the worst breakup in all 4000 years of human history.  That’s right, we are lamenting the breakup between Papa Musk and King Trump.  This is possibly the worst thing to ever happen to anyone ever and our editorial board is still in shambles.  Clearly King Trump has not taken the breakup well as he has responded the same way any of us would respond: by deploying the National Guard.  Basically, this is the dictatorial equivalent to busting the window out of your ex’s car (my bad Sarah!).

Luckily Papa Musk saw the error of his dubious ways and crawled back to King Trump on Twitter's version of being on your hands and knees and kissed the holy rear as an apology.  The highness accepted and all was right in the world for about a week - minus the close start to WWIII between Israel, Iran and United States and the start of mosquito season - but I digress.   Papa Musk apologized and in the past few days has backslid and fought with his Majesty again.  So back we are, neck deep in ice cream and reruns of Dawson's Creek.  

Luckily among the sadness and tears one stallion of a man has kept the course and focused his attention on the real enemy: vaccines. 

F***ing vaccines yall.  There has literally been no modern-day creation which has caused more damage and harm to human society than vaccines.  Yes, more than the evolution of guns, bombs, chemical warfare and country music COMBINED.  That’s how many people have been destroyed by vaccines.  I know this seems widely inaccurate and insane but there is no other possible explanation on what is happening in the world.  Maybe all these people going nuts got vaccinated and the shadow government is using 5G to have them do stupid s***.  What literal alternative explanation is there???

I know what some of you doubters are thinking.  There are hundreds, thousands of posts and scientific articles you can find on Google which speak to vaccines safety and efficacy.  However, like everyone knows, the real data on google searches is found on page 13 or 14.  Everything before that is hearsay and made up.

If you go to Pubmed, Medline, Google Scholar or any other scientific or medical search engine you will find thousands upon thousands of studies which has systemically shown that vaccines are widely safe and effective.  Big Daddy RFK Jr. has recognized that the thousands and thousands of articles are clearly biased and has basically uncovered some sort of global medical conspiracy spanning decades to push these vaccines on us for their own nefarious purposes.  We don’t know what they are doing with these vaccines but here at Shallot Science we are big fans of wild old fashioned speculation and unfounded rumors so let’s speculate the f*** out of this:

1)       Using vaccines to drive autism

2)       Vaccines contain tracking devices

3)       Using vaccines to make us infertile, or over fertile

4)       Filling our bodies with toxins

5)       Creating mutations in our body with vaccines

6)       Introducing foreign things in our body

7)       Vaccines cause the disease they are supposedly protecting you from

8)    Vaccines penetrate the blood-brain barrier and allow for us to be controlled 

9)  Vaccines were the one that killed Kennedy

10) Vaccines cause cancer

We do our freaking research so we will take on some of the most popular vaccine theories and conspiracies and show why they are undoubtedly and equivocally accurate (unpaid interns did I use those words right?).

1)       Using vaccines to drive autism

Do you know how autism is caused?  Do you even really know what it is?  I definitely don't but autism has risen in the past thirty years.  You know what has also increased?  That's right nerds, vaccines!  Now the most logical explanation is that mental health, psychology, research and medicine have improved substantially and we do an infinitely better job diagnosing and treating autism rather than leaving it undiagnosed.  There are also a significant increase in mental health professionals and related professions.  We have also reduced the stigma of mental health and more people are willing to seek therapy, diagnoses and treatments. That's definitely true but we have done similar improvements to other neurodivergent diseases like ADHD, anxiety and depression.   Those numbers also have not increased over the past years.  Ohh I have a note from one of our interns…..apparently all of those have increased as well…….so…….clearly vaccines cause ALL neurodivergent diseases.  Maybe Parkinson's and Alzheimer's as well.  Case solved.  Oops one of the interns might have just quit.  Clearly she was impressed with this theory and went to start investigating.

2)       Vaccines contain tracking devices

This is one of my favorite and logical theories.   I know you can track your phone, tablet, laptops, Bluetooth devices, credit cards, cars, social media with location tags and wearable devices.  However, what if you're like me and find that everyone of your devices are dead and you are living in the dark ages.  If you like to party like us at Shallot Science then you find this happens almost daily and that's where those vaccine trackers shine.  Now I know most of us got our routine vaccines as babies before gps had really matured, well except for your current youngings/babies but honestly why would y'all be reading this?  All we are saying is that you doubt the veracity of this conspiracy then y'all need to get like us and try it out.  Once you dilute that blood with different responsible substances I swear you can feel those tracking chips rolling around in there.

3)       Using vaccines to make us infertile, or over fertile

The brilliance of this is that it can go either way.  Vaccines can cause infertility, limiting the strength and population of certain demographics, countries and communities, reducing their power and ability to overthrow those in charge.  OR vaccines can massively drive the population of these communities creating a system of scarce resources leading to infighting, violence and criminal activities.  Either way you control the masses and create a carefully crafted system of poverty.   We see you vaccines, we see you.  

4)       Filling our bodies with toxins, all of them

We at Shallot Science are not 100% sure what toxins and, maybe no one does, scholars have maintained the definition for this was lost a long time ago.  We do know that toxins are literally the cause of everything.  Diseases? Toxins.  Economy? Toxins.  Climate change?  Toxins.  That last season of Game of Thrones?  Toxins toxins toxins (the producers, writers, directors, actors hell the imaginary dragons were all on toxins and if freaking George RR Martin wasn't tripping on toxins he would have finished the books long ago).  Toxins have ruined anything and everything and the main source of toxins in 2025 is clearly vaccines.  Not lifestyle habits, personal choices and accountability….vaccines.

5)       Creating mutations in our body with vaccines

This one is self explanatory.  If y'all watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the sequel (Secret of the Ooze) then I don't even have to explain it at all.  Done.  Wait you haven't seen it??? Stop reading this and go watch it.  Then as your penance you have to change your ringtone to Vanilla Ice - Ninja rap. 

6)       Introducing foreign things in our body

Ohhhhhhhhh let's go y'all!!  Here's a list of all the potential ingredients of a vaccine: adjuvants, mercury (substance and part of the planet), 5G chips, 4G chips, Dorito chips, formaldehyde, toxins, egg protein, toxins, preservatives, mini viruses, solid gold, magnetic particles, nanobots, nanoparticles, nanotoxins, regular toxins again, sperm blockers, sperm cocaine, egg blockers, egg cocaine and rectal stimulators. Our research tells us that butt play has increased the past 30 years which clearly is caused by all this foreign stuff in vaccines.  

7)       Vaccines cause the disease they are supposedly protecting you from

This doesn't make any sense.  You're telling me if you create a weakened, debilitated version of a terrible disease it gives my immune system to learn and adapt to this disease and reduce its effectiveness in my body?  If that was true then why am I not immune to alcohol, cigarettes and co……coconuts?! I've injected myself with all sorts of things (those President Obeezy years were a dark dark time) and I haven't adapted to s***.  What's way more logical is that these vaccines cause the disease.  How the hell do you weaken a disease??  Do you limit, reduce or eliminate the virus's ability to reproduce?  Do you train on a much less harmful but similar strain?  Do you engineer it only present in certain cells and focuses the immunological response?  Wait….all of that is possible.  I'm going to pull another Ron Burgundy and say “I don't believe you.”

8)    Vaccines penetrate the blood-brain barrier and allow for us to be controlled

Here at Shallot Science we reluctantly agree that the world is in a weird ass spot.  Ukraine/Russia has been a David/Goliath story with them holding off.  Iran/Israel/United States are in a s*** show.  People don't trust science or medicine.  China is swooping in like over funded hawks snatching people. Scientists are quitting like nerds to go to more stable environments and better research funding.  King Trump and Papa Musk broke up TWICE. The economy is a mess.  Even Canada is pissed off at us and like you have to work really freaking hard to piss off the Canadians. A wild bill is about to pass.  Deportations like woah.  John Stewart is back.  South Park episodes basically write themselves.  EVEN MARGE SIMPSON IS OUT!!  We won't even get into Gaza.  The only thing tying all this together is that the world has collectively lost its mind and it's all due to vaccines.

9)  Vaccines were the one that killed Kennedy

This is the most logical argument my friend has even made at 4am in the morning after drunkenly binging severance.  It would explain Big Daddy RFK Jr’s obsession with vaccines because he knows vaccines killed Kennedy.  I've been doing some ancient architectural studies and came across an old document called Animorphs.  This tells the story of a group of brave youngings fighting the invasion of the yeerks (which are basically alien vaccines) and this I realized I have been mistaking the shadow government as controlling everything and clearly it's the vaccines themselves which have become sentiment and have been manipulating our human history since Kennedy.  Hell maybe since Ancient Egypt.

10) Vaccines cause cancer

We've been talking about cancer vaccines for a long time.  There are some gynecological malignancies, solid malignancies and hematological malignancies where vaccines have proved incredibly successful or are being investigated for success.  Maybe it's so successful because it's actually causing cancer.  We at Shallot Science are clearly playing checkers while y'all are playing tic tac toe with only Os.  Get on board y'all!

The conclusion is obvious.  Best case scenario the shadow government is using vaccines to control everything in the world or worse case scenario, the vaccines have achieved sentience over thirty years ago like Skynet-based shenanigans that Terminator 2 warned us about.  This makes even more sense as vaccines have made sure to discredit this idea by making every Terminator after T2 has been terrible, thus wiping it from our memories and we lowered our guard. Then it created Avatar and a bazillion superhero movies to further distract us and we forgot completely!  Damn is there anything these savage vaccines can't do???

Now we have obviously made you hardcore anti-vaxxers but here's the thing, you can not let the enemy know.  You should keep taking those vaccines, those seasonal flu shots and everything.   What you need to do as an adult is immediately go home and microwave something a little too long (15-30 seconds) and let irradiated particles eliminate the vaccine.  That way you still have received it on all medical records yet you eliminate any trace of the sentient vaccine.  For the babies it is imperative to get them vaccines.  No one cares if they are mind controlled because they are babies and kids and can't do s*** anyway.   When they become adults give them the same advice we gave y'all and they will be fine. No one will be the wiser and we can secretly work with Big Daddy RFK Jr to eliminate the Skynet Vaccine problem forever.