The Shallot State of the Science Union

When we founded Shallot Science over a series of shots of peanut butter whiskey and escalating “truth or dares” we had a vision: to educate the world and society about the incredible advances and knowledge that is occurring in the scientific community.  We want to provide fair and unbiased perspectives and opinions of major events in the science world and provide an outlet for fellow scientists to share their opinions and insights.

Science has never been stronger in the United States.  We are in the golden age of science and medicine.  For years we have expressed concerns about the lack of funding for scientific research and innovation.  The National Institute of Health, the largest funding source in the United States, has several subdivisions where academic investigators submit their grants and research for funding.  For those unfortunate scrubs like myself who are trained in oncology we submit the majority of our grants to the National Cancer Institute (NCI). 

Do yall even realize how hard it is to get your s*** funded there??  There are thousands of brilliant investigators trained throughout the world and these jerks come to the United States with great ideas for cancer research.  All those jackasses are all submitting highly impactful and innovative grants designed to better understand disease and help the American people and ultimately all people.  Study section is the process where experts are gathered together to read and review these amazing grants, discuss the best options and recommend the top choices for funding. You basically do it for free because you care about science and medicine and want to help the best ideas get funded. This s*** is basically Mad Max (Fury Road of course), The Purge, Columbus Day, hunger games and battle royale (awesome movie, go see it nerds) all mixed together.  I’ve seen a mentor sharpen his shiv before heading to study section because and I quote “You don’t know what those motherlovers will do (not the exact word but we are a family friendly news blog at shallotscience).  As someone from Baltimore that was the moment I truly appreciated this mentor and clearly still reference that interaction to this day (he still carries a shiv on him “just in case”).  I would also like to pause and say we at shallot science would never mention names or our sources because we subscribe to the philosophy that “snitches get stitches”.

Many investigators who come from a wealth of different universities, backgrounds and countries don’t have the skills and resources to fashion their own shiv and thus are naturally left at a disadvantage. That said, our country has rightfully decided that DEI is clearly the evil marriage of Satan with Cthulhu (we all pay homage and praise to our Dark Lord) and I am all about it.  Do you realize how many jobs I am unqualified for but I have been offered just because I am black???  I will list a few: astronaut, cosmonaut, head of a hospital, airplane pilot,  professional juggler, professional Juggalo, Pope of the Catholic Church, CEO of twitter, mystery novelist, poison taste tester to the King of England, SNL writer, Biden’s secretary of science, Obama body double, Oprah body double, Beyonce body double (seriously, I think we all look the same to some of yall), VP at google, head assistant of my daughters lemonade stand, this blog’s editor in chief, the list goes on and on.  I’m tired of it. 

Sure, I have trained for over a decade in the scientific and medical field and am commonly the only person of color in the room.  Sure, there are inherent biases we all have which is what scientific DEI initiatives are trying to address and help correct for.  Sure, diversity of experience, training and background lets us address different problems and scientific and medical questions we would otherwise overlook and ignore.  Sure, it always ensures that the most qualified and right people are in these positions and helps make sure that everyone has a fair chance regardless of their background.  I kind of lost my train of thought but f*** DEI!

Do you know how to really solve the PI/funding problem?  Of course, we could theoretically increase the funding and support for science, especially since several studies have shown in the United States we gain THREE TIMES more than we invest in scientific research.  Academics could work more with biotech and pharma to develop early-stage targets and technologies. More scientific funding and research means more therapies and cures to disease and ultimately helps people in the United States and the world.  Yeah yeah yeah that’s just the mentality of some of you short sighted nerds who think so shortsightedly.

You know what also works?  If there are no scientists to fund.  That is way cheaper and clearly more innovative.  That’s the route that Papa Musk and Papa RFK Jr. have chosen and we applaud them.  Yall are playing checkers and these men are playing 4D chess…..in VR…..undermotherf***ing water!   These men have done more for science since Watson and Crick brilliantly stole the discovery of the DNA structure from Rosalind Franklin then flexed her out any acknowledgement or rewards. 

Like the many innovative predecessors before them, Papa Musk has a long and exciting history of joining underdeveloped and massively struggling companies and growing their work to unprecedented levels.  I’ve lost track of the number of companies this modern day badass operates as the CEO.  I know some of you foolish and naïve people might think that the CEO of a major company on its own is a full time job but clearly Papa Musk has shown that it is not.  More of yall might claim that Papa Musk comes in and just claims credit for other people’s work and ideas.  How G-d damn dare you @$$holes!  I haven’t seen Papa Musk’s innovative and personal designs for efficient energy application in electric cars but I’m sure it exists and I’m sure it’s better than any design actual scientists have created in the past century.  This man has created electric cars, spaceships, neural brain interfaces, AI, electricity, seven-dollar bill and the Ménage à trois. 

Then there’s Papa RFK Jr, aka Big Science Poppa, aka Science King Kong, aka Notorious RFK, aka Breaker of Vaccines, aka Father of Science, the first of his name.  Like the badass wrecking ball from Miley Cyrus’ video this jacked up hero comes in and straight up wrecks the science game.  As the head of Health and Human Services this guy recognizes that if you want to lose government weight you can’t be half-assed about it.  You trim the fat, you cut out the kidneys (both of them), you cut the liver, you remove small and large intestines, you drain at least 5 liters of blood, you scalp the head, you cut the fingertips and toetips off, you remove the teeth, remove the upper and middle epidermal layers then you dance on the grave of both your enemies and friends (we don’t discriminate in 2025). 

This is what Big Science Poppa has done for medicine and scientific research.  For years people have been tired of hearing phrases like “peer-reviewed research” or “scientific evidence” or “common sense”.  THOSE DAYS ARE OVER SON!  We are in the equivalent of the medical apocalypse.  Anything can happen and I am formally calling myself Bazooka Joe.  My original choice was The Ravager but Dave called dibs on that.  The best part is  Papa RFK Jr’s humility.  He has openly come out and said that he is not an expert, he is not trained and people shouldn’t listen to him.  Tears came to my eye and I am inspired and in awe.

We especially want to continue to applaud Papa RFK Jr and say keep going son!  There are thousands of studies that have shown that vaccines are generally safe (minus the rare exceptions) and don’t cause autism but there are like three studies (which have been shown to be false) that say we do.  Why take risk? Let’s cut most science and research but then fund MORE studies that investigate the link between vaccines and autism (there is none).  That is called due diligence and yall can learn something from it.  Why stop there?  Let’s create a most likely illegal autism registry.  Let’s promote and encourage antivaccine rhetoric.  Let’s downplay the savage measles outbreak. Let’s suggest rising LGTBQ+ populations are a function of chemicals in our water and food.  Listen you have a lot of haters out there, especially those with actual years of education and training, advanced degrees, pioneers and leaders in their medical and scientific field.  You know what we say?  If you don’t have haters then you are clearly doing something wrong in your life. 

Listen, I know some of yall naysayers are worried.  A private university like Harvard can stupidly dare to push back against the current administration (which at its core is about less government regulation and oversight) and get all their grants canceled and lose the ability to enroll and support international students, which are a huge percentage of their science population.  European countries are trying to recruit amazing scientists away from the United States.  Canadians straight up hate us.  China is using this as a chance to invest in innovation and take over as the global leaders of science. Scientific conferences have become insanely more challenging for our international colleagues and we have custom/border agents asking questions like “You said you’re a doctor but explain to me how a PhD studies cancer.” 

Let me present an alternative way of thinking about this.  For years we have created a natural selection system for science and medicine.  We have so little funding and tenure spots available that we have been fighting for years over too little funding, too little resources and opportunities, while hoping some of the PIs over ninety retire or kick the bucket.  What we are experiencing now is basically the coked-up version of that.  Rather than create new opportunities we are actively creating less opportunities and thus pushing natural selection to its highest evolved form.  When we get to only one scientist/doctor left in the United States that person (probably a white guy) will be the highest level of knowledge and innovation it will blow our collective minds.  We’re talking Skynet+Lucy+Einstein+Limitless+Marie Curie+Plato+Buddha+Newton(Pre-apple head trauma)+Confucious all mixed into one.

All this together should have convinced you a thousand times that we are living our best collective science life.  We are kicking ass, taking names and flipping off those who dare disagree with us.  We might be losing some of the best talent we’ll see in generations.  We are creating less therapies, making less advancements to understanding diseases which will unfortunately lead to more people losing their lives.  We are creating overly hostile environments for the few trainees left.  We are quickly losing our position as the world leaders but we are looking damn sexy while doing it.  Trust in the illogical process and the insane approach to science and medicine and I’m sure that it will work out splendidly for all of us.