The S.H.A.L.L.O.T. System: The foolproof method to networking your butt off

Look at those AI-created professionals with the correct number of fingers

Networking is one of the most critical skills to learn and develop in one’s career.  It allows one to build their network of professionals and can ultimately serve as a boon to your development and knowledge.  In all aspects of scientific development networking has provided untold riches and it is basically all of the benefits from all magical relics of the Indiana Jones movies (Ark of the Covenant, Lingam and the Holy Grail, let’s ignore those more modern atrocities).

This area is so important there are numerous posts, books and courses to talk about the importance of networking and how to network more effectively.  We at Shallot Science have realized that all these resources focus on making you a more attractive person to network with and focus on increasing your value to your prospective audience.  That misses a critical component of networking that we wanted to highlight.  It is not about increasing your value it is about decreasing the value of everyone else. 

What does it mean to decrease the value of others?  At conferences, social settings, meetings and similar situations many of us, like intellectual predators, all converge on some of the most senior, established and potentially useful people in the room and like the gladiators of the ancient colosseum we battle each other for their attention and affection, ideally leading to a lifelong partnership or at the very least a drunken LinkedIn connection.  There are multiple ways to win a battle though.  You can be the biggest, strongest and quickest fighter in the arena but that is unrealistic.  Alternatively, in a fight like that you can hide their sword, you can blow sand in their eyes, you can gather allies and cheat your way to victory.

Now that you have seen the light let’s focus on getting it done.  In honor of one of my favorite characters Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (one of the best sitcoms ever made) I will now present the S.H.A.L.L.O.T. System.

S – Select your target.  To walk into the bloodsport that is networking (think battle royale meets hunger games) you need to pick the right conditions and environment.  First, scan the room.  Feel free to talk a little walk around and see who is there, where are they representing and what do they do.  Then you select who you want to get to know and more importantly, who looks like they are surrounded by the worst people alive and desperately need a hero.  Are they surrounded by someone who has the most annoying laugh, a nose picker, someone already drunk despite the bar just opening 13 minutes ago?  Once you have your pick and you head over then you need to stick to your networking target stronger than tights on a hot summer day.  Don’t be afraid to make it uncomfortable, stand a little too close, make their air your air, stare deep in their eyes, all of that.  You have to show that you are in it for the long haul (or at least until last call at the bar or if you see a bigger networking fish). 

The last part is the hardest.  You share as little about yourself and what you do as possible.  When asked the question “what do you do” you respond what don’t I do.  When someone asks where do you work you say you work everywhere. You have probably heard of an elevator pitch where you spend 30 seconds explaining what you do.  This is spending 30 seconds explaining nothing but leaving them wanting more so make sure you practice! The less information you provide the less ammunition the other gladiators can use against you.  The bonus is that you come off as super f***ing cool and aloof like those cool kids senior year who were so secretive and awesome you weren’t fully confident they even went to your school. 

It’s important to note, just like dating, sometimes you pick some rough picks or go through a phrase before you find the right one.  If you are getting bad and weird vibes from your target then S becomes Separate Entirely and you GTFO.  Pick a new target and try again, for you newb nerds it might take a few tries before you get to the next letter. 

H – Hammer at their knowledge.  One of my favorite questions to ask is “Have you seen this article?”  Commonly people in the biotech/pharma/academia space love to talk about their own s***.  If you leave these people to their own vices then they will monopolize the whole conversation and won’t give you a chance to shine.  Thus, the article.  You ask them about an article related to their work.  Maybe this article exists, maybe it doesn’t.  Either way you use this as an opportunity to shame them and their lack of knowledge. It doesn’t have to be an imaginary article.  It can be a lecture, a news story, a post on shallot science, etc.  Be creative when you shut someone else down!  This is a chance to show your ability to pivot and your ability to intellectually castrate your opponents.

A – Ask impossible follow up questions.  People struggle admitting they don’t know information so they will continue to dig themselves a bigger hole either pretending they know everything in their field and your job is to keep providing the shovel to dig their own grave.  The more ridiculous questions you can ask the better.  If someone says they study cancer ask them if vitamin C can really cure it.  Follow up with questions focusing on the nutritional component of cancer metabolomics.  Next ask about mass spectrometry data.  The say we cured cancer 45 years ago and when do they think we will share it with people.  Then ask who killed Kennedy and are they the source of cancer.  Ask about everything and enjoy watching them sweat bullets.  This is much like fishing, you can’t come in too hot with questions, you have to reel them in, take your time and get them on the hook then you throw your dynamite (fishing like our ancestors did) and watch the carnage unfold. This is analogue to Blast Fishing they used to do in the old United States and 

L – Limit their impact.  Another component to lowering other peoples value is to compare their “innovative” work and project to something someone has done before and make it seem silly and redundant - I mean 10000% of science and medicine is redundant anyway.  If they are in oncology and talking about a new area of research (ugh if I hear another company that talks about targeting KRAS I’m going to jump off a metaphorical cliff) then you say counter with “Like _____?” (please fill in the blank, use ChatGPT, or be a boss and say the word blank, either way works).    That will show them the folly of their ways.  This is most effective with poor, foolish graduate students and postdocs who spend the better half of a decade working on a project thinking it’s the most important thing they ever done.  Shallot Science colleague recommends using the word derivative as it is both boujee but can not only shut their research down but can shut down the whole field and their methodology.  When the light in their eyes disappear realizing they spent 5-7 years on a silly repetitive project it can be an exhilarating experience.  For those of you stuck-up nerds who don’t like using the word “like” we present some alternative words to crush those spirits and research:  similar to, same as, interchangeable with, comparable to, parallel to, equivalent to, equal to, and my personal favorite, indistinguishable from. 

L – Lower expectations.  A wise man several tequila shots in once said that he doesn’t rise to high expectations but rather thrives at low expectations.  There is a double meaning in this phrase. The first part is at this point you have pretty much intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and probably physically decimated everyone competing with you for your target’s attention.  Now you can further lower the bar by condescendingly explaining how science and medicine is hard and innovation isn’t easy.  If you choose the right tone this can be both brilliantly supportive and belittlingly and now you are positioning perfectly to rise to the bar which is basically on the floor at this point.  This leads us to the ultimate next step.

O – Optimize Attention.  At this point you have dramatically crushed and reduced everyone around you and now you need to shift the attention all to yourself.  Work your magic and own that environment.  The best part is that everyone around you looks terrible so you have very little to do to shine bright like a diamond.  The best part is that you have set yourself as the best person to network with and ideally you have convinced the former competition that you are amazing and they should follow you.  You are now the official badass boss of the group circle and have established yourself as both the alpha and the omega. The beginning of the conversation and the end of it. You choose which topics to discuss and what level of future engagement you want to pursue.

T – Time to repeat.  At this point you have endeared yourself to the person you wanted to network and destroyed anyone who got in your way.  You have slid in their dms, friended them on all social media, recorded a hilarious TikTok together and got a personal recommendation on LinkedIn. The key to networking is to make sure you network with as many people as you can and thus you need to count your victories, gear up and start the S.H.A.L.L.O.T. process all over again.  In an ideal world you have lowered the value of the entire room making you the master and most important person in the room.  It is very important to note that in your royal hubris you might feel tempted to stop using the S.H.A.L.L.O.T. System but that would be a mistake.  You don’t want to run the risk of other people rediscovering their value or realizing you haven’t shared anything of actual value or substance. Keep using the system!  Further, find a bigger and better room and start it all over again.

Now you have discovered the key to real networking we encourage you to implement this at your next event, meeting or conference.  The best part of the S.H.A.L.L.O.T. System is that it can work in virtually any situation.  Wedding party?  S.H.A.L.L.O.T. Quinceañera? S.H.A.L.L.O.T.  Funeral?  S.H.A.L.L.O.T.  First Date?  S.H.A.L.L.O.T.  Last Date?  S.H.A.L.L.O.T.   Engaging that insanely talkative cashier?  S.H.A.L.L.O.T.  Running for politics?  Hell, they basically created the S.H.A.L.L.O.T. System.  Have you seen a congressional hearing?  Wherever you use it we at Shallot Science encourage you to take this system and apply it as irresponsibly as you can for the betterment of you and only you.